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I’m still angry

Today is the 3rd anniversary of my mom’s death.

I am still angry.

I’m angry because I didn’t do enough to be there for her.

I’m angry because the disease that took her – leukemia – has taken more people since.

I’m angry because I can’t forgive myself for all the things I didn’t do when she was alive & well.

I’m angry because… well just because.

I miss her.

I often spend the day reflecting and wondering if she were alive, what would she think of me now?

Would she have approved of the life I’ve led up to this point? Or would she be disappointed and judging?

Most people don’t know I fed her her last meal three years ago, it was hospital food, but I cut up the meat and fed her bite by bite.

How strange a thought/feeling being 27 and feeding your own mother like she was an invalid.. its harsh to say it like that, but she was maybe 140lbs that day, I not only outweighed her by a hundred pounds but I was feeding my mom. I never thought I would have ever seen that day so soon. I figured she would be gray and wrinkled and I would be feeding her in 20-30 years. But she was in a hospital, her mind was sharp she was as normal as she could be, but she was too weak to feed herself. I wanted to cry then, but I swallowed it and fed her. Asking when she was ready for more to drink or another bite.

When I left I told her I would “see her later” thinking she would be released from the hospital, I squooze her hand gently and left. Exhausted as I had witnessed her nearly die the night before, I went to bed.

Getting a call around 1amish with my dad on the phone, he had been there since I left and was asking me to speak to my mom. I told her I loved her. I was beginning to cry it was the moment I had dreaded.

She passed with my dad there a few minutes after 2 in the morning, it was a Sunday.

Her celebration of light ceremony was the next Saturday. One of her best friends from work spoke about her, how she would always get to work early and be cheery and hum to herself. I smiled through tears, realizing I would never hear that again.

I loved her, she was always encouraging me to write, or draw or be artistic in some way.

I just wish she had the chance to see what I’ve been up to these past years. I hope it makes her proud, she knew I had a soft spot for animals even though I only ever had a bird as a teenager, I was fascinated by cats.

She knew about three of my four cats, though she never got to met them, her cancer made her too weak to be around animals.

I think she would have approved of them, especially Boo since he is the cutest and silliest of the bunch.

I have tried to embody the goodness of my mom over the past three years and I hope that she would be proud.. or at least shake her head at me for my silliness.

So today I would ask just one thing of you, my dearest reader.. hug a friend, tell your family you love them and just simply let go of the people/things that have hurt you in the past. Life is too short to hold grudges or not say the important things.

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